New Roots in Minnesota

It has been over 2 years since I last wrote. Several times I tried to return to writing. I would write a lengthy entry only to delete it all. Something kept holding me back.

When we first left Iowa, I was scared. We were packing up our bags and starting something new. A new place, new people. New coworkers, new church, new school, new neighborhood, new friends. So much change and excitement! I tried to so hard to stay positive about our big change.

I used to think I was brave, but moving stirred a fearful energy in me I had no idea existed in me. I was trying so hard to be brave for my kids and husband. What I didn't realize was I needed to be brave for me too. I couldn't admit the power my fear had on me. Saying I was afraid of a new place was something I could not admit aloud. It wasn't just that I felt the need to shoulder that burden myself, I really couldn't handle knowing how afraid I was.

In some sense I was uprooted.

The crazy thing is this new home we have created in Minnesota, we love it. Minnesota has been a second home to us. It is everything we wanted for our family. The beauty here of nature is so amazing, the lakes and trees and wildlife just beg you to come outside and play. Our kids have fabulous teachers at a top rated school. Our neighborhood is so great we ended up buying our first home a block away.

We are in the right place. But I'm not sure that my heart has been these last two years.

When I first stopped writing my excuse was the lack of time. We were in a new place and I kept saying when we have time again I will write. I was just too busy. But the truth was I kept adding in "more busy" to our life. I was literally keeping myself busy to avoid writing.

Months passed, and the fear started to take over. I was in a new place with new people and if I am honest I was desperate to make new roots. I had this idea that others would judge me for my writing. I was afraid to be my true self. I needed acceptance, being myself was risky. I wanted so badly to be right and I wasn't sure if I could write all the right things anymore.

At this point I told myself maybe I was putting too much of myself into my writing. I told myself I was opening too much of my heart to others. I told myself I needed privacy to protect me. I became afraid of sharing my writing. Something in me didn't even feel safe sharing with close friends and family.

I kept wanting to write. I prayed about it. I kept feeling a pull to just write again. And yet I was paralyzed. Stuck.

To still that voice I told myself I really wasn't equipped to be a writer. I don't really have the skills I told myself. Who was I to write about God? About family? About journeying through any bit of life? I was realizing I didn't have all the answers so why bother to write at all?

I tried to journal but at some point I just stopped trying. I tried to sort out my fears through prayer. The struggle was real.

Then my fear turned into something worse.

Doubt. Self Loathing. Shame. I became afraid of myself. I had convinced myself my writing didn't matter. It got to the point where I started to wonder if I mattered. I felt small, insignificant and unworthy.

My season of new beginnings became a season of winter.

I have been hiding and shutting out the source of who I am. My essential self, the core of who I am, suffered. I am a writer. That is who God wants me to be right now.

I stopped writing out of insecurity but ironically not writing was what made me feel less secure. My growth stopped and fear rooted in it's place. Like a garden where weeds have taken over and driven out the light, I struggled. I was tangled up in the roots of fear.

But oh to write again! It feels good to write, to create. I don't know how to explain it. When I write, there is this rhythm to it, and my thoughts and emotions take on a different essence. I never realized how much I was writing for myself. Typing up something like this, it proves I am alive. I still am here.

I think I had to go through this season of being uprooted and this season of winter to really know who I am. I never considered myself a creative person. But now I know that it is my own creation that stirs up a connection in my faith. That represents a core of who I am.

In my struggle I found something new. I found some new roots.

I don't know yet what these new roots will do but I am confident they are good. I can fully trust that God is leading me into a new season. I believe this season will be one of renewal and transformation. I'm ready now to embrace my new roots. I feel grounded and whole. I feel an awakening in my soul. My heart is full of anticipation of what is yet to come.

What if our relationship with God is like gravity?

Ever just feel like your life is completely out of control? Rushing back and forth between appointments, errands, and meetings. Maybe it is clutter, maybe it is your relationships, maybe it is your finances or your job, and  maybe you just don't feel like you have the time.

Driving with my kids in tow today I had a thought. We were having our own little "out of control" moment. We were on our way to story time but we were of course on the time and conditions set by my 2 and 5 year old. I was not in control. Not of time. Not of these kids. Not of the traffic lights and stop signs. Honestly I was thinking hey I am just lucky the universe let me have coffee and a running vehicle this morning!

I wasn't exactly upset that I didn't have it all together. Randomness seems to be how life with kids is, nothing is totally in my control. This is something I have to accept every day. Parenting is hard because sometimes we enter a survival parenting zone. The outcome of our efforts is not always in sight and we question ourselves. It seems like we are locked in a battle for our kids.

Today I just needed something to center me. I needed something to pull me together. And I thought, wow! I need gravity!

Gravity is a very powerful part of our life that we don't really understand, but we know it exists. It binds the fabric of our universe together. It is invisible. Still, it pulls on everything and without it nothing could exist.

"We know from Isaac Newton and his law of gravitation that any two objects in the Universe exert a force of attraction on each other. This relationship is based on the mass of the two objects and the distance between them. The greater the mass of the two objects and the shorter the distance between them, the stronger the pull of the gravitational forces they exert on each other." Read more: http://www.universetoday.com/75705/where-does-gravity-come-from/#ixzz2xqg7XRFB

You can kind of picture it as a cloth and a heavy ball. When we place the ball on a suspended piece of cloth the shape of the cloth bends and bows down. It doesn't break, it doesn't tear or rip. Instead the force between the ball and the cloth changes the shape of the cloth.

Gravity is kind of like faith. You can't see it, even fully explain it but it exists and it pulls at us.

God is always calling out to us and our soul pulls him to us too. Our souls want to be centered. The more energy and love we have for God and the closer we get to God, the stronger the pull becomes. We might run away from God, but the pull still exists.

In whose hand is the life of every living thing, And the breath of all mankind? Job 12:10

I needed something to center me today. I needed God to pull me back into orbit.  I needed prayer. I  really wanted that deep connection and relationship with Him today. I needed to know that even though I'm not in control, that I know who runs this universe.

"If God maintains sun and planets in bright and ordered beauty, he can keep us." -F.B. Meyer

God provides the balance that I need. I don't have to be in control because God is in control. God is a real force in this world and it is Him that I can trust in. When we have faith in God, he pulls us in tight. Our relationship with God is like gravity. Things happen in life completely outside of our control but it is because of His love for us that we can trust that God will pull everything together how they need to be. He will pull his arms around us and just love us. Through anything.

We might be afraid, angry, sad or a whole list of emotions but when we give these to God we are opening the door for a relationship with God. When we fully open up our hearts to God we lean in and our relationship grows. It is that trusting to work on that relationship that is the hardest part. We have to work at letting go of control. We let part of ourselves go and let God into our hearts instead. It transforms us.

The real transformation happens because he is always reaching out to us. He is always pulling at the fabric of this universe, working for good. It isn't about the outcome, it is all about His love for us through everything. It is about the gravity in our relationship. It is about His never failing desire to connect with us.

 I don't have to be perfect and have it all together. I don't need to be a perfect mother. I don't need to have all the answers. I need to be centered. I need to focus on God. Even in my imperfection, God gives me gravity. God can work through all of us through prayer. Our relationship with Him challenges us and transforms us to be the imperfect perfect person that we are. God's love is gravity.

Seeds of Faith

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Psalm 37:3

It is the farmer that tells me spring is near. The smell of earth fills the air. Tractors are at work in the field and the farmer labors away kicking up dirt into the sky. His labor brings forth new life. Fields of brown dull earth become green and full of vibrant colors.

When the farmer pulls his plow across the earth, he tills up the dead layers of the earth. Winter has left the soil dormant and cold. The plow cuts deep. It digs in and brings up fresh earth from below the ground.

The brown soil, the earth we stand on, is so vital for life. It is everything life needs. We build on it. We grow from it. It nourishes. Seeds need roots to dig deep and prosper. The soft, tender, broken layers of earth allow life to thrive. New roots don't happen instantly. They take effort and time. They give a seed the support it needs to grow with protection while providing a home.

A seed cannot take root and live without digging deep.

Let my faith always be like a seed. I must dig deep into my soul to grow. Digging deep takes labor. Digging deep means breaking through deadness within. It means having faith that the holes of my soul can be filled, just like the plow cutting holes in the earth will soon be filled with new life. The brokenness in my soul then can push out new roots. New roots that will grow strong in their new foundation. Secure and ready to embrace a new life.

This is the cycle of faith. Each time we dig deep, our roots can reach down and strengthen our foundation. Every year the farmer digs into the earth, breaking new ground again and again to prepare a new harvest. We also need to constantly dig through our own broken layers. It is the digging deep that is the hardest part. Sometimes we feel protected by those outer layers, even when they don't bring forth new life. We dwell in the deadness around us because digging deep and breaking through those layers can sometimes bring us more pain.

We need to prepare room in our own souls. We have to break through. We have to trust that God will fill all the holes of our lives. We must be faithful that these holes will become places of holiness. Our foundation cannot be shaken when we have faith in God. For He provides us with the spring of eternal life. When we live rooted in His teachings, waiting faithfully for Him, we are born into a different life. We are part of His kingdom. A kingdom of wholeness and not brokenness. Of not death but new life. When we break through, we can be filled with His peace. A peace that never ends.

Light & Love

Oh my daughter Eleanor. You love to dance in the light for no reason at all. You love to sing in the morning. You love cuddling and you love tickle wars. You love being the silly, sweet you. There is so much beauty to be found in you.  You are fearless, nothing can stop you from keeping up with your older brothers. Life to you is an adventure, your spirit loves a good challenge. You are both strong and gentle. When your dad and I chose your name we had no idea how perfect it would suit you. Your name means "shining light" or "ray of light" and you are such a light to this family. Your favorite movie is Frozen. You love the queen Elsa and the princess Anna. You love Olaf and his warm hugs. I love it too.

I love the movie because I think it reminds us of three important lessons. The first lesson is that we should never live in fear. The second lesson is that we need to trust and be family to each other. The most important lesson is that love makes everything beautiful.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

When Elsa flees to the castle she is afraid. She has been hiding so much of herself for years. Hiding her gift which is such a big part of herself has made her lonely. Her life has been a prison without hope for her future. She is deeply afraid of everyone knowing who she really is. It is safer to hide her powers. When everyone finds out, she frees herself. She is finally able to be herself. What strikes me about this is how sometimes in life we all have gifts or parts of us that we hide because we are afraid of what other people will think. Elsa is finally happy when she lets her light shine and lets everything else go. No secrets, no regrets, she is herself.  She is finally able to love. Fear keeps us from living and loving life. God doesn't want us to live a life without love. Fear is not God, because love is all that God is.

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

The second lesson I love from this movie is how Anna never gives up on her sister. Elsa has shut Anna out because she is afraid. But being the real sister that she is, Anna does not give up. She takes big risks at times and believes in her sister even when no one else does. Finally at the end she saves her sister in an act of great sacrifice. This is what family is about. Family is having faith in each other, believing in the best, and being present through the worst of storms. It is building a relationship with trust at the center. Family by blood or family by Christ, this is the foundation of healthy relationships that this world so desperately needs. God calls us to be the person we are for the love of others. Every day. Every person. Anna teaches us that love of God and living His word by acting fully in love to others frees us. Faith, Hope, and Love guide us and become our light.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

The greatest lesson comes when Anna saves her sister in her act of selfless love. Love we realize makes all things beautiful. Elsa's powers are transformed into something beautiful because she now knows love. She is loved. Love makes everything different. When love is at the center, our hearts are changed forever. Elsa now can share her gift, her light, with the rest of the world. This light drives out all fear and becomes a light for others too. The gift of love is not something to be hidden.

 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18

Love drives out all fear. Pure love prevails over all. Frozen really is a love story that teaches us to not be afraid. It teaches us to live with hope. It teaches us to have faith and to build our relationships with trust. Most of all though it shows us that love is the greatest gift and power in this world. Unconditional and pure love can transform our lives. Love is a light in this world that we should never hide. Love casts light into our lives and makes all things beautiful.

Someday my daughter Eleanor I pray you will see in this movie the lessons that I do. I hope that you will never feel like you cannot be yourself. I hope you will never be afraid of anything in this life. If you are afraid, I will be here for you. Through any challenges in life know that you can have faith in God. When you need answers your church family will be there. They will make you a light unto this world too. Trust in God, His light will make your own light strong. There you will find your answers. In your journey, there you will find peace. Most of all I want you to know love. I want you to know that God's love is the greatest power in this world. God's love is selfless, he loves you no matter what. Never doubt this, no matter what the world tells you. God loves us all. He calls on us to love others in this fashion, to bring His love into this world.

Eleanor, be a light. Always be a light. Be a force of love to everyone you meet. Live fearlessly, trust in the beauty of life, and have adventures that lead you to love life. View every challenge as opportunity to learn something new. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Don't be afraid to live. Live with courage and be brave. Be graceful. Be kind to others. Surround yourself with people that love you for all that you are. Chase dreams, explore the world. Most important though, always remember the power of love.

Prayer Doors

After school today I was just a little bit distracted. I was driving home, caught up in my routine, but not fully there. I  was asking all the usual questions. How was your day? What was the best thing that happened? Did you get your spelling test back yet? Who did you play with at recess. As my kids told me about their day though I wasn't really listening. Not because I didn't care but because I was thinking about all the items on my to-do list and over analyzing my day. We arrived at home and I asked a question for the second time. My boys looked up at me and said, "Mom don't you remember what I told you in the car?"

BUSTED. I was definitely caught. I was not being fully present. I was not listening. Lucky for me my kids are quite forgiving.

Today reminded me of how I do this with God. I forget to pray, forget to listen. Or worse I go through the motions and say the prayers and know all the answers to questions without thinking them through. When I do that I am not fully respecting God. I am not really giving my faith the attention it needs to grow.

Faith is supposed to require constant attention. Life throws all kinds of challenges at us. All kinds of situations. Sometimes that means we need something to center on. We need something to help us focus. There are many different ways to do this. But the best way is making a plan to a create time in our day for prayer so we can connect on a personal level with God.

Prayer is really about having a relationship. God is always knocking on our door, asking in to chat. God is always going to work through other people in our lives even. But if you are too busy to answer the door you miss out on an opportunity to hear a new perspective. To see something differently. Worse maybe is you know all the answers. You don't take the time to see what else you can learn. To understand things in a different way.

I like to consider myself a pretty open minded person. But really I think maybe I am not. When I don't pray and when I don't make myself fully available to God I am closing a door. I close my mind off to change. I am not building a relationship . Instead, my relationship with God suffers.

Being present in prayer does take dedication and time. It is an investment in my relationship with God. It is a hard thing to work on. It is something that some days I do better than others. Some days I fail miserably. If I am being honest I would say I fail almost always. Prayer is work. And yet, the more I work at it the better my relationship with God is. Even more of a surprise is the times I do succeed. These moments I like to think of as prayer doors.

Prayer doors are the moments when we make a real connection. I think it is these rare, good moments where we make a connection that make prayer worthwhile.

God loves us unconditionally. He doesn't want experts. Not prayer experts, not even expert Christians that can quote the bible front to back or tell others how to live. He wants us to have a real relationship with Him. He wants us to open that door.

God does accept the hot mess that is me. The hot mess of me who is forgetful, not present, selfish, overextends herself just a bit too much, sometimes yells, worries way too much, has many fears and doubts, wants to be control and have it her way, and can't seem to find the time of day to pray. That isn't even the full story on me. But he accepts me.

He accepts all of us as we are. He sees through us. Even when we shut the door he sees the real us. He accepts us even when we answer the same question over and over and miss what he is telling us a thousand times over. He doesn't just forgive us, he loves us exactly as we are, exactly where we are.

It is understanding His love that keeps me going and keeps me praying. His presence keeps me hopeful. It tells me that maybe in His presence I can be present too. I think I can open that door.

Unwritten

This is my prayer rock. I made it last year for a bible study group. We were asked to write down a word that best described our faith and to write it on the prayer rock. I thought and I thought and I really couldn't decide what best suited me. Every word I could think of didn't really describe my journey and what I felt in my heart.

As I held my rock cupped in my hands I was reminded of how throughout life we pick up rocks along the way. We carry burdens that weigh us down. Some rocks are regret, guilt, or shame. Others are mistakes we can't forgive ourselves for. Some are even feelings we carry with us when others throw their own rocks at us. Some are the size of pebbles and others are boulders. These rocks are all the trials we face in life great or small. Sometimes we beat ourselves up with these rocks. We carry them around and they weigh us down. It is hard to go places carrying rocks. They slow us down and hold us back.

But rocks are not permanent. Wind and water erode rocks and carry them away. Fire melts rock down to ashes. To dust.

Faith is kind of like that too. Jesus came into this world and loved us so much that he carried our burdens for us. He carried a cross, suffered greatly, and died for us. He even forgave us. After he died his disciples laid him in a tomb and sealed it with a huge boulder. It really isn't a mistake I think that when he rose from the dead that this rock was moved. His love for us is greater than any rock. Any obstacle. His love is greater than the burdens in our life.

Jesus taught us something incredibly powerful. Love is the greatest of all. His example teaches Christians everywhere that we are called to carry the burdens of others. This is the most powerful act of love that we can give. It means sometimes making choices outside of what we know from the Bible. It means sometimes using our hearts and not just our heads. It means doing the right thing even when it hurts. It means putting our own rocks down and picking up the rocks of our neighbors. It is following Jesus even when we don't know what the rest of our story is.

That is what faith is. Living out an unwritten story. It is trust. It is accepting all of the unknown and walking ahead. It is not easy. It is a journey we choose every day.

What this simple exercise made me realize is so much of my faith is still a blank canvas. My story is yet to unfold and is not finished. My faith is unwritten. It is unwritten because I have a choice. I have a choice to let God write my story.

God has written a story in all of our hearts. We are all called to love and serve one another. When we choose love, our story can be a wonderful part of God's creation. We follow Jesus and live the Gospel. WE become the story about God's love. Our story can be saying yes to God and letting him into our hearts. One day at a time.

I do still have a few rocks I carry. But what I am finding is that every day on this journey those rocks seem a lot smaller. These trials of this life will not hold me down. They will not break me. My prayer rock is a daily reminder of that.

I could choose to write my own story. Or I can choose to let my story to be unfinished. At first glance, it looks unwritten. However, I think it is the beginning of something more.

Life is a gift

I remember the first time I found a gray hair. It was a few years ago. It was a big surprise and I wasn't ready to admit I was you know...older. It made me panic.

Call it vanity but I fought with that hair. I wrestled with it. I was not ready to admit that I wouldn't always be young. I didn't accept it as beautiful. I was not ready to face the idea that I would one day grow old and face death. That gray hair was ugly because it was stealing time. Each day that passed was one less day I had to live.

I ended up chasing more days and seeking more time. My life became a rush. One constant blur of me trying to squeeze out whatever I could. I had to get the most out of life. What I had was not enough. I was fighting time. Any obstacles I would conquer no matter the cost. I wanted to do it all.

I’m late, I’m late for  A very important date. No time to say hello, good-bye,  I’m late, I’m late, I’m late I’m late and when I wave,  I lose the time I save. My fuzzy ears and whiskers  Took me too much time to shave. I run and then I hop, hop, hop,  I wish that I could fly. There’s danger if I dare to  Stop and here’s a reason why: I’m over-due, I’m in a rabbit stew.  Can’t even say good-bye, hello, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.
~ The White Rabbit, Alice in Wonderland

Everywhere I went I was like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I was late. Rush rush rush. Always somewhere to be. Something to do. Never did I think to slow down.

This way of life started to pour into my relationships. Into my marriage. Into my parenting. My friendships. Our schedule was overloaded, I was tired. Trying to do it all. We would rush out the door, irritated with each other. Never really appreciating each other.

The thing about fighting time is you can't win. Chasing time makes it escape faster. Time slips away, you are older and you haven't learned anything. Nothing changes. You end up out of breath. Overwhelmed. Our society encourages this, tells us it is normal. All part of life. Being busy is encouraged. People would ask me how I was and what I had been up to. I would reply, "Busy, just been busy."

I was attempting to seize the day. Carpe Diem!

The thing is, living life so busy sometimes makes you forget the important things. In the rush for more time you lose time. You could say aging forced me to face the idea of death. This challenged me. What ended up happening was something I can't really explain.

Somewhere along the way my idea of life changed. Each day is a gift. Each wrinkle and each stray little gray hair is beautiful. Each stretch mark on my belly. They represent so much of my life. They represent so many blessings. The stretch marks are love scars of my three children. The wrinkles tell the seasons of my life. My changing hair mark the change in me.

"I watch the hands move grace on the clock face. I'm growing older. These children growing up. But time is not running out. This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there's the deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity."  --Ann Voskamp

Every day that I grow older is sacred. Aging marks the passing of time in my life. Days are blessings that count out all of my life. They sing out my life song. They are beauty. They are wisdom. They are understanding.

Every day is a gift waiting to be unwrapped. I unwrap it slowly and enjoy time. Every day is a step towards more time. Each day fills my life with joy. I am not chasing time. There is fullness in this moment, in the time that I have been blessed with.

“The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.” --Alice Morse Earle

I don't fight time anymore. I embrace it. I cherish it. I don't feel the need to capture as much time as possible. Time is a gift. Time is a blessing when I am fully present. When I slow down I have more than enough time.

When I slow down life is different. Time almost stops. A conversation with a friend becomes life changing. Playtime with my kids becomes revolutionary. A sunset on fall leaves is awe inspiring. Joys big and small become priceless. Trials have perspective that make their burden lighter. My soul feels different. Full.

All is well. All is good.

It changes me. Transforms me.

Today I have a few more gray hairs. I have a few more wrinkles. When I look in the mirror they make me smile. They are beautiful. When I see my reflection I am reminded. I am reminded to slow down. To actually live life instead of chasing it. When I remember to live this way everything about life is different.

Life is a gift.

Enough with the Excuses

 Today I want to talk about something I think we have all got to stop. Excuses.

Enough with the excuses I say.

I do it all time. I'm sorry, I was late because <insert a random stunt child 1 2 or 3 pulled>. I'm sorry, I forgot because I got distracted by a phone call. I'm sorry, I got stuck in traffic.

I read a funny blog post about a mom explaining why she is running late. I laughed because it is so true. It is something I am all too familiar with.

If I wrote down every single excuse for why we're late or where something went wrong I would have a very lengthy book. Every day.

I think we do enough explaining. It is kind of exhausting. I'm tired of having to explain myself everywhere I go. It is such a burden. It is like carrying around heavy rocks wherever I go. I don't want people to think the wrong things or get the wrong impression of us as a family. You know, because that thing called life sometimes gets in the way of our lives.

I say enough. Can we stop expecting excuses from each other? Can we stop feeling like we have to explain ourselves? Can I?

I have been very blessed in my life with awesome friends and family. The ones that really get me, they don't expect me to explain myself every time I mess up. If I show up late, they are just excited to see me. If I lose a birthday invitation, they don't think twice about my habit of being unorganized. If my child acts up, they don't make me recite my parenting strategies to explain why my child isn't perfect. These people don't judge me when I make mistakes. If I mess up, they laugh with me.

When I am with people like this, I feel safe. They don't expect me to explain myself. They don't expect me to have it all together. They know I am not perfect. They know I am human and I am figuring out this life thing one lesson at a time. Bad habits and all they love me. How uplifting it is to have people like this in our lives! It is a real treasure to have friends like this in my life. I just breathe a little easier in their presence.

Isn't that a lot like grace? Before I even ask for it. Before I try to explain myself. They offer me grace.

God offers me that kind of grace. Here I am. Here I stand not perfect. I mess up. More than I should. Yet I am still forgiven. No hoops to jump through. I don't have to earn it. It is just there. For me. For you. For everyone. Freely given in love. Unconditional.

God knows my trials. He knows my story, my excuses. Jesus knew what he was dying for on the cross. People really are not all that different from 2000 years ago. Sure we have our smart phones, cars, and fancy running water now. Despite these changes, what I struggle with today is not all that different from people in the bible.

John 8:7 NIV “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

In the temple when the woman adulterer was brought forward to Jesus he taught us two things. The first was it is not our place to judge another person's sins because we all are sinners. The second was that he lived and died for us to save us. He could have condemned this woman right there in front of all. Instead he offered her grace.

I have joked with friends on more than one occasion that in a different time or place I would be stoned to death. There is just no way I can be quiet & submissive. Ever. I would cause trouble. I break rules. Not even on purpose most of the time. Crazy little rebel that I am. A Christian rebel even. I will wear that label.

Being a Christian--believing in real grace--drops all of those stones. Truly it does. If I choose to believe in a Jesus that offers grace, I need to offer that grace to those around me as well. To everyone.

I literally mean everyone. It is going to be like Oprah giving away cars. And you get grace, and you get grace, and you get grace! We all get grace!!!

So I am telling you right now. If you are tired of having to explain yourself. If you need a safe place. I want to be that safe place. No more stones. No more excuses. No more explanations. No expectations.

Just friendship. Just love. Just understanding. Just grace.

I'm not perfect. My grace will look kind of messy compared to what God has to offer. I'm probably going to mess up. I mean, of course I will. But I'm going to try. Try to offer grace.

No excuses. I promise. I'm leaving the stones behind.

Falling into Thankfulness

Fall is in full swing right now. We had our first snow early this week. Leaves everywhere are turning different shades of red, orange, yellow and brown. The wind whips them up high in the and they spin around and around. The crisp cold air is refreshing to breathe. Where before drops of dew danced on blades of grass every morning they now are sprinkled with tiny crystals of frost. A warm cup of tea or a freshly poured coffee mug melts the coldness out of my fingers each day. It is beautiful, I am thankful for fall.

I sip and I think, usually skipping breakfast until my brain is awake again. Kids run around, sometimes my coffee gets cold because we are busy. There is no time to slowly enjoy my little moment of happiness. Too many spills to wipe up, lost mittens or hats to find, or little arguments to settle. Sigh. Mornings are not exactly easy here. Six little feet run up and down the stairs and around our little home and I only have two. It is exhausting. Sometimes it is overwhelming. The busyness swallows me up like rushing water in a river. Maybe that is what drowning feels like?

And yet I can still breathe. My lungs still work. Somehow we get through it. A couple of tears hidden maybe here or there, but we make it. Sometimes there is yelling or tantrums. Slightly scarred or rattled, but off we go. To school, to work, to the store. To wherever life demands we go. Hi-ho.

It is enough to make me laugh with insanity sometimes. They say laughter is the best medicine. When you drop a glass bowl and shards go everywhere. All because in your rush you were clumsy. You laugh when your kids leave sticky paint foot prints on the couch, the doormat, and the front door. All because you had this great idea to let them paint but didn't specify right outside the front door. When you lose your keys and you were supposed to leave 5 minutes ago. You laugh. A big belly laugh. All of these happened yesterday. I am not making this up.

 

 It makes it hard to be thankful when busyness fills our lives.

A wise woman (one with more experience and years under her belt than I have) once told me that I shouldn't assume after kids things get less busy. Oh how I was disappointed, I hoped one day I wouldn't be busy. She explained to me that with children gone there are jobs to be done, relatives to visit, friends to help, retirement to focus on, and places to see. Life never slowed down. Life is always busy.

She was right. No matter what I do life will happen. Things break. Messes happen. Things are lost. It will make you forget what is important. Ever since then I have made it a priority to not let being busy change me, to be my excuse. I'm not going to let "busyness" take over my life and keep me from seeing the good around me, from being the good around me.

Something I decided many years ago was to always find the positive. I'm a generally optimistic person by nature. I have found that if I can find one good thing every day I am happier. Finding one happy moment or thing in my day fills me with so much gratitude that it changes my perspective. It is like power food for the soul, it keeps fueling me to keep going. It changes my relationships, my attitude and fills me up.

Being thankful or having gratitude for all the good things in our life could quite possibly be a key to living a happier and purpose driven life. "Psychological research suggests that happiness is more related to being grateful for what we already have," writes William F. Doverspike, Ph.D of the Georgia Psychological Association.  There are even studies that show gratitude is good for your health. Over 26 studies and counting, show how being thankful can really impact our lives.

Finding these little blessings and being thankful for them draw us closer to God. When Jesus broke bread with his disciples at the Last Supper he gave thanks to God. In his final hours before death he chose to thank God.

Luke 22:19
¹⁹ And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

When we appreciate the good things around us we are choosing to see the good of God's creation. Bad things happen, messy life happens, suffering happens. However, there are also good things that fill this world with joy. Big or small, they matter. Sometimes being thankful even shows us how to love each other. When we know what matters, what we would be thankful for, we are better able to serve others around us.

Today as I was nearly 3/4 of the way through writing this post, the family across the street from us lost their dog. Their little girl plays with our boys all the time. She is adorable, wild and fun just like any little girl in first grade. She was really hurt today and couldn't stop crying. I watched my kids and the other neighbor kids try to make her feel better. They already know how to be a blessing, how to give her something to be thankful for, how to just be there for their friend. We played board games, watched youtube videos, and baked cookies together. We even shared stories of what we felt like when we lost a pet and picked the last flowers of the year to put on their dog's grave. She told me her mom who died of cancer is with her dog now. I think she felt a little better after that. I couldn't help but give her a hug.

Every day I make a list of what I'm thankful for. Daily. Sometimes more than once in a day even. I don't have have to write it down, I just mentally note what I have been blessed with. No matter what I am feeling, no matter how bad my day is, no matter who let me down or made me angry or sad. I'm thankful for this I tell myself.

Today, I'm thankful for cold coffee. Thankful for those six little feet. The ones that kicked my tummy before they were born and grew up to kick soccer balls around the yard and sometimes in the house. Thankful for those hands that make messes but always want my hugs. Thankful for the gift of motherhood. For friendship, for neighbors. Thankful that we have a home that we can fill up with memories. Thankful for my husband that works really hard to make not just our needs possible but our dreams possible too. Thankful for supportive friends, teachers and mentors in my life that have been a blessing to me and shaped me into the person, the story, that I am now. Thankful for a God that has blessed me with more than enough.

What are you thankful for today? Find a blessing in your life and be thankful for it.



Want to read more about gratitude?

Gratitude: A Key to Happiness by William F. Doverspike, Ph.D.

The Science of Gratitude: More Benefits Than Expected; 26 Studies and Counting by Amit Amin

Counting Your Blessings: How Gratitude Improves Your Health by Bruce Campbell

The Neuroscience of Why Gratitude Makes Us Healthier by Ocean Robbins

Eleanor's Baptism

 

 

 

Eleanor was baptized yesterday. It was a very special day for our family. A family friend made her dress out of my wedding gown and she looked beautiful in her little outfit. Even more special, we had several family members travel up for her special day including her Grandpa Todd. Todd actually baptized each of our boys in Swea City, Iowa. This time we had the privilege of having him as a guest pastor at our church in Cedar Rapids. Grandpa Todd got to baptize Eleanor just like he had for our boys only in our new church. This was a huge blessing for our family to be surrounded by love in our church.
We actually starting attending our church Lovely Lane when I was still pregnant with Eleanor. About this time last year Brent and Thomas were traveling to see their Grandpa at the Iowa Methodist Annual Conference. We had only recently moved to Cedar Rapids and I decided this would be a great weekend to go "church shopping" as they call it. The very first church I tried out in Cedar Rapids is the only one we tried and it is now our home church! In the last year we have become very close to members of the church. We feel like this church encourages us to be stronger in our faith together as a family. We have really come to love our church and having Eleanor baptized in our new church was very special because we were able to baptize her in the presence of many people that have blessed our family with so much love.
Baptism is always special I should say. It is us as parents promising to raise our children in Christ's image of love. However, this baptism was different I think for me than it has been in the past. Every time I baptize another one of my children the promises I make when I take those vows become stronger and stronger. It could be that this is my youngest child but I really feel that each baptism has strengthened my resolve to be a better parent and a better Christian. It would seem like a simple thing, but it is very important. A good parent instills the sense of love and respect that the teachings of the bible and Jesus give to us. Likewise, a good Christian carries the cross and reaches out to others and really lives out the teachings found in the bible. Being a good parent and being a good Christian are interconnected. I am so happy to know that all of my children will have the chance to grow up surrounded by the love of family, friends and a wonderful church. As a parent I couldn't ask for anything more beautiful for our family.

Breaking the Elusive Mystery of Grace

In February I had the unique experience of witnessing my oldest son Thomas get ashes for the first time on Ash Wednesday. We walked up together side-by-side holding hands. He watched me receive my ashes with his big brown eyes full of wonder. Then I turned to him and watched him receive his ashes from our pastor. I listened as the pastor gently said, "Jesus loves you," and watched my son's face light up with joy as his facial expression changed from curiosity to excitement. We returned to our seats where he started asking me all kinds of questions. I was happy to answer his questions and it spun off into a great discussion about God's love and grace. During Lent I often find myself thinking about the grace that God has given us so it was great to share some of my thoughts with my son. The most rewarding thing from our discussion was that it reinvigorated my prayer and lead to some deep thought and insights that I hadn't thought of before.

For me, grace has meant several different things in my life. Each new challenge and joy has changed what grace looks like to me. In some ways you could say that grace has been an elusive mystery for most of life. As a child grace was like opening a big birthday present. The suspense and anticipation of ripping open the wrapping paper and discovering a wonderful treasure inside filled my heart with joy. I was told that Jesus loved all the little children and that someday I would meet him in heaven. My imagination made heaven into this glorious beautiful place and to this very day I still believe in a heaven that is like this. I loved listening to Genesis verses because it was full of imagery and the wonderful creations filled me with awe. Grace was a gift, waiting to be unwrapped.

In my preteen and teenage years I found grace to be something entirely different. I found myself believing in a more selective grace. Grace to me was Santa's naughty and nice list. Had I been a good girl? Did I do all the right things? I knew I better behave because God was watching me. I better not fall out of line or he might zap me with Zeus-like lightning bolts or worse! He might decide to put me in the worst possible penalty box of all--HELL. For many young people, I think this is what grace looks like. There is a perception that you have to earn grace.

Then as I became an adult grace was different suddenly. Grace felt so far out of reach. For the first time in my life I had accepted the label of being a sinner. I knew I had messed up and that I would probably do it again. I began to wonder why Jesus would die for a sinner like me. What did God see in me or any part of humanity anyways? All around me I saw pain and suffering and sinners just like me struggling to find a greater purpose in life.

It took having children for me to understand and believe in grace again. As the mother of three kids I am constantly challenged. Raising children is most definitely the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever done. You love them unconditionally and would give them everything in the world if you could. You want the best for them and work very hard to give them everything they need. In addition to basic needs children need guidance, support, and love to grow. A parent is the best person to offer these things to a child.

However, sometimes a child rejects these things. As my children get older I am experiencing this more and more frequently. When they are young it is temper tantrums and disobedience. As they get older there are still meltdowns and disobedience but you find yourself incredibly disappointed when they do wrong. Sometimes the disappointment can be very painful and exhausting. Despite all of this you still love them and continue to do what is best for them. It is frustrating but you still offer your love and keep on giving second chances. When they fail you offer discipline and love in the same hand. It is this kind of support that children thrive under.

God's gift of grace to us really isn't any different than this. I could write a book about all the things I have done that are wrong. I am past second chances. I sometimes repeat the same mistake several times and I even struggle with some things continuously. I am not proud of it, but I am a sinner. However, I have a Father who wants me to get up and try again. Grace doesn't have to be something you search for or have to earn. It doesn't even have to be a great mystery. God does love us and wants to give us this great gift. Grace is not a secret or exclusive to one group of people. Grace is for all of us!

Someday I hope to share in greater detail what grace is with my children. There is one thing I will share with my children now and that is to never give up on growing with God because God will never give up on us! I hope that they can see that I am not perfect but that the power of prayer has taught me to be persistent and to keep trying. The journey of faith changes sometimes and can seem mysterious but with persistence you will get to where you need to be.

A Few Reflections

Yesterday was the start of the Lenten season for Christians all across the world. Lent is a time for personal reflection and growing--a time to turn away from sin and repent from anything keeping you from God. We have never been the best at attending church and giving God our full attention. In a world with all the electronic distractions and busy schedules, God often gets put on hold. We have been very bad about putting God on hold and have recognized that it is time to grow with Him in our lives again. To keep our family focused on what really matters, we will be working on a new thing every week to keep us more mindful of God's presence in our lives.

This week our focus is prayer. We are going to try and incorporate prayer into our lifestyle. Not just praying at dinner or before bed, but talking one on one with God in our moments of frustration and anger--asking for patience when we need it the most. But we also will pray to God and share our joys with him and be thankful for what he has given us. It is my hope that by starting with a strong focus on prayer we can make God a bigger part of our lives and he can guide us not just through the rest of Lent, but the rest of 2010.

So here is our prayer for the day:

Dear Lord, help us to be keepers of your plan. Help us to do good works and walk away from all that keeps us from you. Let us be strong and patient in the face of opposition. Encourage us with your spirit when we are discouraged in our weakest moments. Comfort us when we need a friend and feel alone. Let us be reminded of your love for us, that you gave away your only son so that we could be free of sin. All that we have been given is because of you, and we are so thankful Lord. Help us oh Lord to be who you made us to be--your servants. Amen.